I wrote this entire post once and it ended up not saving a single word. If I'm being honest, it was a lot and I didn’t hold back much. I was really mad at first, but now I think it was maybe the universe’s way of giving me a second chance to look at what I wanted to say. So let's try this again!
If your ego starts out, 'I am important, I am big, I am special,' you're in for some disappointments when you look around at what we've discovered about the universe. No, you're not big. No, you're not. You're small in time and in space. And you have this frail vessel called the human body that's limited on Earth. - Neil deGrasse Tyson
I wrote this the first time, sitting in Mott gym, watching my team play six on six. It was the first time I had seen them play live for months. I knew that moving back to school was going to be a massive adjustment because I am coming back in such a different role than I ever have before. What I didn’t know was really how hard it would hit me.
I don’t care who you are, if you lose your spot on a team, in a group, etc. there is going to be a feeling of being left out and jealousy. While I actively try not to be resentful as I sit keeping score on our white board, it’s so hard to not think that each rep I am watching is one that I am missing. Each time someone else takes a swing in my position is a step closer they are to taking my job.
What I’ve realized in the past day or so, is that all of this is just my ego talking. While I can’t keep some of these thoughts from ripping through my head, a few others have come into the fold as well.
I have no “right” to the right side position, that feeling comes from entitlement. Of course the girls are going to fight for an open position to get playing time - it's what I would do (and did do) to earn a spot on the court. (Super quick special shout out to a mentor, teammate, and friend,Torrey VanWinden. She has been put through the ringer as far as injuries go and is currently fighting again to find her way back to the court. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. You can do this!) My job right now isn’t to play volleyball, it’s to make my knee bulletproof. It’s not fair to be resentful of the girls taking that spot, that's just my own insecurity. Each of the things that pull me into anger and sadness are fed by things that I struggle with on my own and end up projecting. None of that is fair, but I am working on it daily thanks to my amazing sports psych/therapist Berit Kauffeldt!
Anyway, it’s easy to have humility when everything is going well for you. If you were to ask me a year ago whether or not I want someone nipping at my heels I would have answered an unequivocal, “yes” and said it’ll just make me better and I’ll still come out on top. I do believe that through and through, BUT when you do have someone on your heels and you can’t defend your position, it's hard to not let it eat at you.
I have found through these past few months that when I put my worries in terms of facts, my anxieties start to melt. There’s no point in being anxious about someone playing my position this year, because it’s going to happen. Someone has to play right side - fact. There’s no point in being anxious about missing reps because I am not practicing. I physically am not allowed to play volleyball - fact.
I had a recent conversation with a friend that reminded me that I deserve to have confidence in my play. I think that I have worked hard enough to be sure that when it is time for me to get back on the court, it will come back to me. It's not like taking a year off the court means I start from square one again. Eventhough these anxieties and fears have come forward through insecurity from my injury, they don’t take away the fact that I know how to play volleyball. I can be secure in my skill as a volleyball player enough to let me focus on what I need to - my knee.
I cannot wait to see Cal Poly volleyball thrive this year. I want to see the team make it to a sweet sixteen. No. Final four. And while I may be jealous sometimes that I don’t get to have a jersey on and be out there, it makes me that much more excited to get back on the court with them next year. I have poured my heart into Cal Poly Volleyball for four years, and regardless of where I am in Mott, I will always be our biggest fan.
All in all, the big question I find myself asking is; how do you go from riding the bench for two years, to having your breakout season, to then having a year taken by covid and another by injury and not be even a tiny bitter? If I knew, I wouldn’t slip into some days that feel gray and heavy. I dont have the answer, but I think it comes with a lot of self-reflection, meditation, recognizing your feelings, and choosing your actions carefully. I have to work on it daily and when I do, I think it helps. And when I don’t, it’s probably when I need to most