"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy
Have you ever felt guilty for being happy?
It's a weird question right… like how could a person ever feel bad about such a good thing?
For me personally, up until a few weeks or so ago I had this massive feeling of guilt following me from day to day and I had no clue why. It felt like something internally was wrong in the way I was processing the world around me and I didn’t understand because my life was good. I am happy in my living situation, love my roommates, am constantly surrounded by good friends and food, making extra money for fun things, hitting my goals at physical therapy, etc. I was good. I was more than good. I was genuinely happy, so why did I feel bad about it?
Then thankfully, I got to sit down on a Thursday for therapy and talk out the way I was feeling. We spent a productive hour chatting and dissecting my emotions and life in general, but it only really hit me until I hung up the phone. I immediately texted my therapist back with a message saying,
“I don’t think I’m guilty that I’m happy, I think I have feelings of guilt because I have found value in myself outside of volleyball when I've been told my whole life that my sport is everything.”
When I got hurt, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy because I hadn’t “earned it.” How could I even bear to be “okay” when my entire life plan and source of joy were gone. Now I know that to not be true at all, but I was feeling bad because for the first time in my life I realized I was worth something even without a jersey on. When sports are the thing you chose in life, it's easy to let the wins and losses be the deciding factor in your mood and self-image. It had consumed me to a level that the only times I feel like I was happy were when we won and nothing else could ever come close.
I had it in my head that these months during recovery were going to constantly send me into a tailspin of constant sadness, regret, disappointment, and negativity. While I have definitely had times where I let those emotions get the better of me, I am so much better at recognizing and dealing with them than ever before. I allow myself to be sad on days that are tougher than others, but now I am consistent in choosing positivity in the way I want to feel.
Now I get to catch you all up on the amazing things that I have been fortunate enough to do in this time where I am not in school or a part of the Cal Poly Volleyball team! I have been gifted this time to explore hobbies, travel, spend time with friends, and dive into new interests.
One of the things that I am loving right now is the opportunity to be a color commentator for Cal Poly’s home volleyball games! You will be able to hear me on the Livestream in the coming weeks when my teammates are playing in Mott Gym. As a journalism major with an interest in broadcast media, it has been really cool to experience this side of the game.
I started nannying for my assistant coach and weights coach at poly. They each have toddlers that like giving me mini heart attacks every two seconds. I think they realized I can’t run after them, so their new favorite game is taking off in opposite directions until I can snag them before the driveway turns into the road - it's my favorite. In all honesty, I do love it because I get to escape down to Shell Beach every day and spend time by the ocean. The kids are pretty cute too I guess.
I also traveled to Costa Rica for a week with three friends in August. We spent the time, eating amazing food, laying on beaches, ziplining (yes it was cleared by my pt and surgeon), listening to monkeys in the jungle, watching surfers, and even swimming. My teammates were in their preseason double days and I was sipping piña coladas under palm trees. I am not going to say one is better than the other, but when life gives you lemons you might as well put them in a cocktail.
Lastly, I think the greatest thing to have happened in this time is my new job as Head Coach of Old Mission School’s volleyball program. I am in charge of 35 girls from 6th to 8th grade and we have games and practices five days a week. I would have to say it's probably the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Even though I stress out sometimes trying to balance the schedule or because girls didn’t bring hair ties or some needing bathroom breaks in the middle of drills, I love it. I have been able to see girls that have never played in their lives break out in massive smiles when their serve finally makes it over the net. I have had to plug my ears because they screamed so loud after their first win but also console tears after a tough loss. If I'm not going to be allowed to play, then this is absolutely the next best thing.
I think back to the time that I found the sport. I would sit by the beach courts on Donner Lake just hoping someone would let me join their game. If anyone did, it was impossible to get me to give up my spot. I feel like that kid again - just waiting for my time to get back on the court. Understanding the need to be patient through this process I will sit on the side all the while falling in love with the game all over again.
I believe I was given this time for a reason. It has been a time for me to learn and grow and shape my perspective of how I want to live my life. One of the coolest things that I have come to realize is that my injury didn’t take away volleyball. It's giving me a chance to choose it once again. I know now that I am not just playing because I have always played. Not because it is the only thing I know, but because I love it. Because I continue to choose it daily. It is what I want to do with my life, and yeah, when the time comes that I am done, I know I’ll be happy because I am not my sport.
I'll write that last bit again.
I am not my sport.
